blah.

i really hate sundays and Labor Monday feels like a sunday. . so fuck it too.


i woke up w mad allergies today and i feel like shit.

this weekend was ok but school bores me into the ground, and i really hate being at home.

no one respects common courtesy.
its Knock-Open the door - and i barely have my shirt on.
Thanks guys. . How bought waiting til I say Come In?


I am a sour puss.

Rejoice.


I need a new wardrobe, but too bad Im kinda broke. Not Zero broke. I just owe more in debt than I have in my bank account.



Fantabulous.

fuk.

I still havent gotten my car back and Im fuming. I dunno if thats the right word but IM FUCKING PISSED. and whats more is no ones here waiting around w me til 11 to see if the mechanic will drop it off. When it comes to my mom, its only about her and no one else. Not even my sister.

Steffs flight left at 330 today. The time is one hr ahead from here.

These are gonna be 4 long days..

Im going to Tanger w Mal on Tuesday and I guess helping mom move Mon and Wednesday into her new little apt. Eloy wants to chill but I havent heard back from him. And i wanna get my windows tinted but I havent really talked to AD & Julian since the 31st and this shits been kinda awkward.

Yesterday Steff and I went shopping and that was fun. We were in my hood so we hit up South Park and made fun of everyone, especially the chola ass moms. Then we dined @ Chili's, which was waaaaay fuckin delish. Overall a badass day. We got some shirts and jeans and I got me some Dunks. Yay my man feet have grown, I used to be a 5 in guys, now im a 6.5; at least in Nikes. Im still debating whether or not I wanna order the Cortezs online. Hmmm.

Im counting down the dayzzzzz

Oh yeah and mom sneaked Sprint to reconnect us.
I bought me a Highnote.

Fuck Cricket.

positive step

today wasnt so bad

i met Mal for breakfast and had a fun conversation, plus one cool black dude :)
never talked, had an interesting conversation, with anyone older than my mom besides norma but this dude was cool

i finished the second bus box for the music dept
it actually came out more dope than ours but everyone disagrees

i totally missed Stuff the Bus on the 7th so i think im gonna go get more schoo supplies to add to pur bus at work :)

my toyota still isnt ready but hopefully by tomorrow. hope so.
i really needa get those windows tinted!!

we didnt make it to the cricket store on time today so i went ahead and ordered a phone online. should be here by wednesday. i hope i dont hate cricket but what could be worse than sprint besides at&t ha

steff leaves sunday and that sucks. he says he'll be in the rainforest hehe
its true but im a city girrrl and the only one i know of is the one downtown haha

maybe i can go to the beach? with mom cel and nana and the kids? ill think about it

i havent been home lately but i think its for the better cuz ive been a fiesty biotch lately. aye.
mom says she'll help me look for an apt and im so down for the spring, w financial aid and income tax. im excited :D

gotta keep positive
i really wanna go shopping soooooo bad
and get a hair make over

yesssss

the artist formerly known as fo*sheezie

i never knew reaching 20 could mean searching for your identity.
but i guess thats what i learned in PSYC 2314, usually it occurs in emerging adulthood

me and steff went to go see Funny People and it just made me feel god all over
that movie is a nice pick for anyone who has had a bad day
anyway its at the top of my favorite movies now
its that good, really

it got me thinking how bad i would love to work with Apatow and the boys
id give anything, thats kinda creepy but its true

the next nite we drove home listening to some Interpol and i just thought to myself the whole way home "what do i wanna do with myself?"
i guess Interpol can do that to you but i think about that question a lot

i wish i could still study film and drive a Lexus. but it doesnt work that way. you gotta go to med school or slide up and down a pole or push that shit to make the big bucks. my family never taught me to value family and the rest, so really i guess i just measure success with money and cars. well until i met Steff, never really wanted a fam and a home sweet home. a little apartment wouldve done just fine before.

i feel old, and even more BORING. i understand im not 16 anymore. i guess its the panic disorder that slows me down. i asked Steff if the reason why he never invited me out to vacation w his family is because of my anxiety and he said that was part of it and my heart just kinda sunk. guess youd have to be me to understand how that goes.

my room is a cage and i feel like until i give up and let someone put me on xanax will i be able to live like i once did.

and thats not what i want. at all.

i miss the old me. im conservatively reserved. and im seriously getting sick of it.

i wanna punch new me in the face and tell her to suck one.

i wanna do something this summer. everyone i know went somewhere out of the city. everyone. i havent left my familiar zip codes.
i have a paycheck to show it but what good is that if i use it to pay bills.

mom cant even pay our Sprint so ill probably be without a phone for a while, then find something decent for Cricket. ew.

i hate living here. i dthink maybe i need to get out as in find a cheap efficiency. my theory is that if im not happy at home i dont have a quiet place. no one can knock before coming into my room. so i figure if i find me a quiet spot ill stop taking my aggression out on the rest of the world and i wont be so easily irritated.
think so?

of course there are easier ways to resolve this issue but the question is: will the results last.

im kinda mad at everything in my life right now. this has been one of the worst summers. actually come to think of it, my summers never go well. ever.

its gonna be hard falling asleep mad tonite. every nite is.

i wish my biological father would drop dead somewhere in mexico and send me the backpay that bitch has owed me for 12 years.

mmmhomegirrrl.

im free.
schools done.
its feels good, but summer is almost over.
Steff leaves to Belize on the 15th and im off a week before school starts.
i really wanna go to Tanger.
i need a new wardrobe
:)

BC8 Y824?

today sucked, then it got better.

by noon Steff had broken up with me. After much talking w Norma and Mollie and Adri and my mom. . I feel a lot better. And i think ill be okay.
Due to many differences in our personalities and lifestyles and priorities we clashed a lot, mostly recently.

I have faith that we'll get back together really. He just wants me to give him the day to think. and i am. But i mean i never know, he could change his mind.
Thats what scares me.

I love Steff with all my heart, i would rather be with him than start anywhere else with some creep.

I guess we're just at different points in our life? i dunno.

later that day. .
i decided to go for the taxes on my toyota. it only cost me $98!
hell-fuckin-yeah!
so i got my tx plates. . the new ones.

theyre all shiny :)





just talked to Steff. he doesnt wanna break up after all.

I can sleep better tonite.

:D

i have never

been to Adult Video Megaplex
much less with a pregnant girl and a black dude

it made my day though
Steff and I broke up for 2 hours today and it was horrendous

Me Adri and Julian cruised around and i have to say it was the most fun i'd had in a while

which is the sad part

i need to invest in some friends

but i have a better outlook now
:)