the artist formerly known as fo*sheezie

i never knew reaching 20 could mean searching for your identity.
but i guess thats what i learned in PSYC 2314, usually it occurs in emerging adulthood

me and steff went to go see Funny People and it just made me feel god all over
that movie is a nice pick for anyone who has had a bad day
anyway its at the top of my favorite movies now
its that good, really

it got me thinking how bad i would love to work with Apatow and the boys
id give anything, thats kinda creepy but its true

the next nite we drove home listening to some Interpol and i just thought to myself the whole way home "what do i wanna do with myself?"
i guess Interpol can do that to you but i think about that question a lot

i wish i could still study film and drive a Lexus. but it doesnt work that way. you gotta go to med school or slide up and down a pole or push that shit to make the big bucks. my family never taught me to value family and the rest, so really i guess i just measure success with money and cars. well until i met Steff, never really wanted a fam and a home sweet home. a little apartment wouldve done just fine before.

i feel old, and even more BORING. i understand im not 16 anymore. i guess its the panic disorder that slows me down. i asked Steff if the reason why he never invited me out to vacation w his family is because of my anxiety and he said that was part of it and my heart just kinda sunk. guess youd have to be me to understand how that goes.

my room is a cage and i feel like until i give up and let someone put me on xanax will i be able to live like i once did.

and thats not what i want. at all.

i miss the old me. im conservatively reserved. and im seriously getting sick of it.

i wanna punch new me in the face and tell her to suck one.

i wanna do something this summer. everyone i know went somewhere out of the city. everyone. i havent left my familiar zip codes.
i have a paycheck to show it but what good is that if i use it to pay bills.

mom cant even pay our Sprint so ill probably be without a phone for a while, then find something decent for Cricket. ew.

i hate living here. i dthink maybe i need to get out as in find a cheap efficiency. my theory is that if im not happy at home i dont have a quiet place. no one can knock before coming into my room. so i figure if i find me a quiet spot ill stop taking my aggression out on the rest of the world and i wont be so easily irritated.
think so?

of course there are easier ways to resolve this issue but the question is: will the results last.

im kinda mad at everything in my life right now. this has been one of the worst summers. actually come to think of it, my summers never go well. ever.

its gonna be hard falling asleep mad tonite. every nite is.

i wish my biological father would drop dead somewhere in mexico and send me the backpay that bitch has owed me for 12 years.